One fell swept
by Ariadne Bassarid
Summary: Serenity loves Seto. Serenity loves Joey. Joey hates Seto. Serenity is in a trashcan. [Oneshot]


**One fell swept.**

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_Sort of inspired by PinkStarz's _With The French Maid In Kaiba's Room_, and also that one episode of Fruits Basket - you know the one, with Prince Yuki's cuckoo egged candy._

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How I got stuck in this dumpster is a funny story, I guess. It's all because of Seto Kaiba and Valentine's Day.

Now, you may instantly think that means I got involved with Seto, and some wild and zaney scheme ensued in which we had to avoid my typically over-protective brother and simultaneously have a romantic day together.

You'd be very, very wrong.

In fact, two months ago when Joey found out I was dating his childhood rival and current archenemy, he very quiet. Even I expected his protective streak to kick in at that one. I'd made him his favourite dinner (pizza), sat him down in front of his favourite movie (this hokey old puppet-filled film from the 80s called Labyrinth) and made sure he was busy taking a long sip of Coke when I made The Announcement.

"Joey. I've been dating Seto Kaiba for five months."

Maybe waiting until he'd started drinking hadn't been such a good idea, because when he fainted he inhaled his fine carbonated beverage and started choking. I had to roll him over into the recovery position, which is not an easy task when your brother is nearly six foot, used to playing basketball and gets into fights.

But even after he'd regained consciousness, Joey was quiet. He stared at me with this glassy look in his eyes, while I pleaded with him, begging him to understand; true love, star-crossed lovers, fate, romance, really hot in leather pants... Yadda yadda yadda. And then eventually he said, "So does this mean I get to live in the mansion?"

I always knew my brother was practical.

"No!" I shouted, and whacked him over the head. "I can't believe you're not listening to me!"

"Geez, what'd ya expect Serenity? That I'd start rambling about how Kaiba is the walking dead with an unbeating, unfeeling heart, and that he's probably using you to some horrible end in a nefarious scheme?" Joey sat back in his chair and used the remote to start rewinding the part of the movie he'd missed while sprawled on the floor.

"Hel-lo? YES!" I shrieked, and sat back huffily. Arms crossed and all - the typical definition of 'petulant.' I mean, sure, Joey's under-reaction was wonderful news for me, but... Had he lost his MIND? Maybe the shock had caused him to give up on me entirely as a sister. Maybe - "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANY MORE?" I burst into tears.

"Aww, hell." He muttered, and stopped the movie altogether. "And here I thought you'd be mad if I started ranting and forbidding you to see the son of the devil."

"THOSE INTERNET RUMOURS AREN'T TRUE!" I sobbed out.

"Okay." Joey scooched along the couch and started patting me on the back.

"And being called a VAMPIRE hurt Seto's feelings very much!"

"I'm sure."

"Don't be sarcastic!"

"Look, Seren'; Seto IS a heartless bastard, and he IS probably using you... But if I said that you'd just wind up hating me, and let's face it, if there was one person on this planet who could thaw out that iceberg it would be MY sweet, warming, kind, caring, innocent, naive little sister."

I leapt up from the couch, removing his hand from where it was making reassuring circles. "I am not naive!"

"Yeah... I know. You're twenty-one and you're big and ugly enough to look after yourself. And this time when your heart gets broken, at least you can't say it was because I caused too many 'relationship problems' for you."

My eyes narrowed. He still didn't believe that was why I'd broken up with Otogi. Trust me, when your brother interrupts your goodnight kiss by leaping out of the bushes, waving a flashlight and a baseball bat... You have a pretty big relationship problem. I think Otogi screamed louder than I did.

Anyway, then my doting, caring Joey went back to his movie, with a mumbled comment of, "You know, this tastes even better than usual," from around a mouthful of pepperoni.

And that was basically that. In fact, Joey quickly learned that as my supportive older brother, he'd never lose my love. Whereas I was Seto Kaiba's one weakness. Not much of a weakness; people don't generally screw with Seto. But it was suddenly possible to get Kaiba to behaving in a manner that was other than completely inscrutable. Kaiba... Had FEELINGS.

And feelings can be messed with.

Not to mention Kaiba had a mansion full of video games my brother wanted to play. He and Mokuba were getting to be pretty good buddies. Joey was thinking new ways to exploit my new boyfriend all the time. Unfortunately, then Valentine's Day rolled around.

While I may be brave enough to tell my explosive older brother that I'm in love with his most hated enemy, I am not brave enough to live my life in front of camera flashbulbs. At least, not until I graduate in a few months. So I'm adamant that my famous CEO card-obsessed boyfriend keep us a secret.

That meant that I wasn't getting hatemail, and he was still getting fanmail. A lot of it.

I remember the moment with what seems, in retrospect, an ominous clarity. Joey had picked me up from my Cultures and Communication class, since he and Yugi had finished that day's step towards Kame House chainstoredom. I was lounging back in his car, pointedly ignoring the way the million library books for my next assignment were spilling out of my bag, my head pressed against the window.

Ah, how long ago last week can seem when you're flat on your back in trash, a banana peel next to your ear and a deflated basketball between your feet.

It had just snowed outside in what was probably the last snow of the late winter. Flakes were still fluttering down, even though it was sunny. The air appeared to be glittering. It was very pretty.

"So Serenity..." Joey started.

"Mmm-hmm?"

"What d'you think Kaiba does with all that chocolate, anyway?"

I blinked and felt my reverie come to a halt. "What?"

"You know... Valentine's Day is next week."

"...What?"

Joey rolled his eyes and took a corner a little too fast. He does that sometimes. "What does he do with all the chocolate his adoring fangirls must send him?"

I gaped. Valentine's Day. How do you get a good Valentine's gift for a man who gets chocolate from every other girl in the country?

I guess it helps that he's allergic to chocolate anyway.

...And people wondered why Seto was such an angry man...

"I don't know... I guess.. He throws it away?"

The car screeched to a halt. Someone behind us honked their horn.

"Throws it AWAY?" Joey's face held an expression of horror on it, much akin to the time he'd opened the microwave expecting to steal something I had just cooked... And found instead my best lacey black bra, which had needed drying.

"Well..." I shrugged. "I doubt he'd let Mokuba ingest that much chocolate."

"That's it; we have to rescue it."

"What?"

"Serenity... You gotta steal me Kaiba's chocolate."

See, here's the thing. I love Kaiba. I love Joey. I don't love that Joey doesn't love Kaiba. (Although I'm kind of relieved he doesn't love him like I do. Talk about how awkward that would be.) But... It's very funny to watch Joey run him through the If You Want Permission To Date My Sister You'd Better gauntlet.

I'm not cruel! It's just cute the way Seto has this vulnerable spot where I'm concerned. So sue me, I like to know he cares. He gets this horrified, determined look on his face...

And like I said, it's also very funny.

So instead of immediately verbally slapping the hopeful look off Joey's face, I raised my eyebrows. "Are you serious?"

"Yes! God, Serenity! Just think of it! All that precious, sweet, rich chocolate, melting in a dumpster somewhere!"

Yes. That DOES seem particularly ironic, huh? So long as the CHOCOLATE isn't in the dumpster... I think something's melting under my left knee. It's getting sticker.

Ew.

"And who's going to give ME chocolate for Valentine's Day, huh?"

Oh. A low blow. Joey played his 'My girlfriend ran off with a psycho and I'm so unloved and chocolate is my favourite thing in the world and the only comfort I have left but NO ONE cares enough to give it to me' card. He gave me the puppy eyes.

"Mutt," I muttered quietly.

"What!"

"...I said, 'right.'"

Joey narrowed his eyes, but let it slide. Probably because he could see the wheels turning in my head. My brother might be crazy, but we have the same genes. And my boyfriend might be an evil genius, but he's pretty good at instructing me in the arts of the diabolic.

In short, Serenity Wheeler, 5'4, modest curves and flowing red hair, is a force to be reckoned with.

Oh, shoot - I broke a nail when I fell in here.

But back to the story!

"I guess it would be a pity to let it go to waste."

"Yes!" Joey practically hooted the horn in his excitement. It made me glad we were only about three blocks from home.

"I guess it would be simple for you to distract Seto while I swooped down to claim the chocolate."

"What?"

"Antagonising poor Seto is your favourite activity."

"Well yeah, but why do I have to distract him? I want the chocolate! Why can't you - " Joey took his hands off the wheel to gesture rather incoherently. He started to blush.

"...Joey! Are you suggesting that I, your little, innocent sister, whose honour must be protected... Are you suggesting that _I _distract Kaiba with my SEXUAL POWERS?"

Joey practically screamed as his foot hit the breaks. Good thing we were home. I shoved open my car door and scooped up the spitefully heavy books, leaving Joey babbling at me from inside the vehicle. "That's what I thought. Thanks for the ride, Nii-sama!"

He shot me a dirty look as he tried to put the car back into the right gear and park it properly.

And that was how I made my own bed. Er, garbage. Nothing left but to lie in it. Someone will probably show up to get me out, soon. I mean, this is a freaking BIG dumpster, so I'm kind of screwed until they do.

Cue the Mission: Impossible theme music. Naturally Seto doesn't get his mail sent to his house. But where, exactly, does it go? With a few subtle investigations of my own -

I was seated on his lap at the desk in his bedroom.

"Mmm..." Oh god, Kaiba probably should stop doing that to my neck before I have a hickey the size of Honshu.

I ran my hands up his back and kissed his neck in retaliation.

"Say, Seto - "

Tongue in his mouth.

"Mmm?"

Ooh. Tongue in MY mouth.

(A few moments later.) "Wheredoesyourfanmailgo?"

"Whuh?" Kaiba's lips kept moving briefly, like they thought I was still attached.

"Where does your fanmail go?"

He made an exasperated sound. "Most of it goes in the trash. Now shut up and kiss me."

Ah, my boyfriend, the romantic. He pulled me tighter against him and...

Um... ANYWAY, using my subtle skills of detection I determined that Seto gets his mail delievered to his office. Actually, Seto has a secretary who reads a bunch of that stuff for him. Her office is on the third floor. She sorts it, finds anything actually worthy of being passed along, and disposes of the rest. Meaning, mostly it goes in the trash at KaibaCorp headquarters.

Things starting to make themselves clear to you?

Valentine's Day rolled around, and it was a Friday. (Start up the Mission: Impossible theme again.) Joey was taking me to KaibaCorp at seven o clock, when most sane employees would have been well into their weekend, and my boyfriend would still be sitting in his office programming... Something.

Joey made a good escort when we wanted people to think I obviously had a boyfriend that wasn't famous. And being Joey, he always got something out of it. I like to think secretly he'd do it anyway, because if not I'd be getting a LOT of hatemail from Seto's stalkers.

Now, I probably could have asked Seto if I could just HAVE his chocolate, but... Well, it's Valentine's Day. Guys aren't supposed to give chocolate. I'm supposed to get him a gift to express my love, for crying out loud - not beg favours. I didn't want to trouble him. So as Joey seemed to think, the only other option was to steal it, really. This is what I get, for listening to what Joey has to think.

The security guard let me and 'Seto's cousin Joey' in (every time someone calls Joey that, Seto gets this twitch in his left eye). Joey and I got in the elevator together. And then I got off on the second floor, and he kept going all the way up to Seto's office on the eighteenth. I imagine their conversation went something like this:

Seto glances up from his computer. "Mutt."

Joey stands in the doorway. "Vampire."

Seto looks up from his computer again. "I told you to stop calling me that." He looks around. "Where the hell is Serenity?"

Joey grins lazily. "I don't hear the magic word."

"There's no magic word required in that sentence, you idiot!"

Joey enters the room and starts fiddling with the priceless knick-knacks on Seto's bookshelf. "Well, you could be more polite."

Seto sighs and watches closely as Joey inspects a macaroni photoframe that Mokuba made for him about a decade ago. "Joey, could you please tell me where your darling sister is?"

"She went down the hall to the bathroom."

"...Why are you still here?"

Joey flashes Seto another grin. "Why, I'm just wondering where you're taking the two of us for dinner!"

Maybe in the actual conversation their language wasn't as clean. I don't know; I make a point not to observe the two of them alone. I'd rather live in the blissful, ignorant assumption that they don't start beating each other up with testosterone sticks the moment I leave the room.

While my older brother was off being his infuriating self, I was letting myself into the office of the woman whose lucky job it was to sort through hundreds of wedding proposals and headshots every week. I didn't bother switching on the light, relying on the bright bulb in the hall to illuminate things. And I could see that this woman's office was a mess. Paper was piled high. Paper was EVERYWHERE. In fact, knowing how Seto liked everything to be in its place, I was kind of surprised she was still employed.

On the other hand, I doubted my boyfriend had actually set foot in here. For one thing, all the perfumed envelopes had combined their powers to form an overwhelming super-scent, like nothing I'd ever smelled before. It was as if I was standing inside a giant flower. A giant, very overpowering flower. If I'd been offered the choice between the decaying matter I'm currently lying in, and staying in that room... Well, I wouldn't have automatically selected the room, I can tell you that.

But where were the chocolates?

Oh. There was a huge bag on one of those wheely metal frames on the other side of the room. I teetered through the pulped, perfumed forest on my heels - I was, afterall, dressed for a date with Seto - and leaned over the bag. Bingo. Packages and packages. Like candy from - well, a bag.

I tentatively hiked myself up onto the edge of the frame - I mean, this was a big bag - and tried to sit demurely. My skirt was all silk and lace, a little bit gothic-on-the-balcony-in-a-nightdress, in a light pastel pink. It fell just past my knees, and it was getting in the way. This was exactly the reason I ought to pester Joey to let me wear shorter ones. I know he always expects me to try to leave for a date looking like... Well, like Mai. But that's a little forward for me, to tell the truth.

Kind of an odd statement about a girl who was sitting rummaging through someone else's mail. Did I mention that tampering with the mail is highly illegal? The boring kind of illegal, like jaywalking, or littering, but nonetheless, it's against the law.

Anyway, I'd hitched up the skirt and tried to stay modest, and then I was shaking the boxes. Some of them had that chocolates-not-quite-secured-inside rattle to them. Or maybe people just liked to send Seto... I don't know... Tiny Blue Eyes White Dragon figurines? I pulled out Joey's pocketknife and started slicing them open to check. Chocolates, chocolates, Blue Eyes, chocolates... Ooh, jackpot - this one was so big it - what the hell? The torn package with the 'Sender' label had caught my eye. Scrawled there was the name 'Anzu Mazaki.' I started to giggle.

"Hey!"

I froze.

"Whoever is in there, you'd better come out right this moment."

Crap. The security guard. A flashlight beam was switched on in the hall. I could see him silhouetted in the door. There was no way he could miss me perched here by the far wall. He shone the light in my eyes.

"What do you think you're doing, young lady? Get down from there this instant!"

Um... I looked from side to side for an escape.

"Mr Kaiba warned us about the Valentine crazies." He sounded a little disgusted.

I tried to get down, and realised the lace from my skirt was caught on one of the metal hooks holding my bag.

"Last warning!" he threatened me. And then he pulled out his can of mace.

"Um, I think there's been a misunderstanding, I'm really Seto's - " I squeaked.

"What are you holding?" His voice was sharp.

I looked down. Douple crap. Joey's stupid pocketknife was glinting in the light of the torch. "Nothing!" I shouted. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to gesture when I shout.

He aimed his can of mace at me, and then I panicked, not wanting to be caught by Seto AND be blotchy and blinded. I flailed, desperately trying to rip my skirt free - and fell backwards into nothingness.

I think you can guess what happened - but allow me to be perfectly clear about why you should never rummage around in the dark in strange rooms trying to steal other people's chocolate: I fell into the garbage chute.

Of course there was a garbage chute. Seto told me so himself - well, he told me most of his fanmail went in the garbage. Why inundate that poor woman with all that mail, and then force her to take it somewhere else? Or hire someone else to come and take it away? Pointless when she can just throw it straight into a shaft.

You'd think a fall from the second story would do me some injury. Actually, maybe it has. I should check that out. Probably not though, since the chute was slanted. It was like a slide. And until I joined another tunnel, which I can only assume was the tunnel all the other tunnels joined to, it was a clean slide. After that it got kind of sticky.

Yargh.

I think I'm in the basement actually. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm in the basement, lying in discarded Valentine's Gifts and other crap. I mean, who had a basketball at KaibaCorp, anyway?

"...Serenity?"

Ah, my knight in shining armour has arrived! "Seto!"

"Are you in the garbage?" His voice sounds very guarded.

"...'es."

"What?"

"YES! I'M IN YOUR GARBAGE!" I shouted, and sit up, hurling the basketball at the high metal wall. You need a pretty big garbage bin to contain KaibaCorp's trash. The ball resounded with a clang.

Suddenly Seto's face appears. He looks good for someone who's been working all week. In fact, he looks like an angel. A very stern angel. He's hiked himself up to the edge of the bin and is sitting there, much like I was not ten minutes hence in his private mail room. "What are you doing in my garbage?"

"...I fell down."

And then he gave me that look that I get sometimes. The 'Why on earth do I love you?' look. Usually I get it in between an exasperated huff when Joey is... I don't know... Juggling some priceless Greek amphorae.

"You were rummaging through my mail."

The security guard's face appears next to Seto's.

And now I realise Seto's gruffness is partially because he's trying not to laugh. "Did you forget to get me - " a small, snort-like sound escapes " - a Valentine's gift?"

"No!" I stuck out my tongue.

"...You're lucky I don't bite that thing off."

I probably should retaliate, but actually I blush because Seto is giving me a very heated look with that comment.

Even though my skirt is torn and I'm covered in garbage.

"You can go back to your post, Kitano."

The security guard blinks. "But sir, she's dangerous, she has a knife!"

Seto frowns so sternly, I know he's almost dying from withheld laughter. "Yes, I'll be sure to watch out for that. Now go back to your post!"

My would-be captor vanishes. His footsteps recede into the distance.

"Get up so I can hoist you out of that thing."

"Sure you don't want to come in? The temperature's fine!"

"Before I change my mind, Serenity."

I stand up and brush myself off. A few moments after that I'm being hosted up to the edge of the dumpster. Ah, my strong and handsome boyfriend.

He gives me an inscrutable look for a moment, then leans forward and kisses me softly. "Happy Valentine's Day."

Then he jumps back down into the parking lot, and gestures that I should take a grand leap of faith and he'll catch me.

Well, why not. I've already fallen two stories today.

I jump. I manage to knock us both to the ground with the impact, but I'm on top so that's fine by me.

In fact, it seems to be fine by Seto, too.

"You smell like trash." He wrinkles his nose. "And too much perfume. I am not taking you out to dinner like that."

You'd think he was unhappy about the arrangement, except he hasn't made any move to push me off him.

"Joey wanted me to steal your chocolate." I say, eventually.

"I know."

I blink.

"When the security guard came running in babbling about angelic assassins and garbage chutes, your brother nearly dove in the shaft after you. I was tempted to throw him in, but instead made do with throwing him out the front door."

"...Sorry," I mumble, my face much more pink than the remnants of my skirt. Even though my skirt seems to have some sort of red ink splotched on it. I roll off my rescuer.

Seto stands up and dusts himself off. "The lengths you go to for your brother."

"...Yeah."

Seto rolls his eyes. "'Yeah.'"

"...I go to lengths for you too!" I stand up and try to brush myself off.

"To avoid me, it would seem." Seto carefully straightens his tie.

Aww. My poor, pitiful, glaring CEO of a boyfriend. Did I mention he's foxy? He's a foxy, foxy man. Of course, when I try to tell him that I end up stuttering and blushing.

But even when he's mad at me (like now) or anyone else (like always)... He's foxy. I grab his hand. He stares at me suspiciously.

"Where are we going, to commit another burglary?"

"Come on, Seto, I didn't forget YOUR Valentine's present."

His eyes narrow, but he lets me drag him along anyway. I smile cheerfully at him, which he seems to take as another cue to be suspicious of me.

A few moments later, we're standing in a side-street by Joey's car. My brother and my boyfriend glare at each other.

"Serenity! Are you okay? Did you break anything? Did you get me any chocolate?"

I hug him - well, he's TRYING to be concerned. "Aww, Joey, looks like I ruined both you AND Seto's Valentine's present."

"Right," Seto says dryly, "Your gift to me was to relieve me of my property."

"No," I correct him sweetly, and wrestle open the trunk of Joey's car. "This is my gift for you."

"...A body?"

I resist the urge to whack the love of my life, and attempt to lug the large, wrapped, cylindrical object out of Joey's car. Both the boys step forward to help me - it does kind of look like a body, and it's about as tall as I am.

"Open it."

Seto shoots a glance at Joey. I don't think this is how he planned to spend our tender moment of gift-giving. Nevertheless, he rips off the paper.

Ah-ha! Seto quickly turns his back to Joey, who shouts, "Hey!" and just about falls backwards from outrage. Seto's trying to hide the small quirk of a smile on his face. I think he might have actually laughed out loud if it hadn't been for the need to appear ever-stern in front of the president of the No Kaibas Club.

Joey's still glaring at the punching bag. It'll be perfect for Seto's workouts. I made sure I got a good one - and then I got a picture of my brother on it. Not just a picture of my brother - a picture of my brother holding Kaiba's chocolate, with chocolate smeared across his face.

If I'd actually managed to GET Kaiba's chocolate to Joey, it would have been even better. But I guess most things don't quite turn out as planned when they involve the two of them.

"My own sister!" Joey laments. "Where'd you get the money for that?"

Kaiba is still biting his tongue.

"I sold some of Seto's boxers on Ebay."

Two men suddenly loom over me and shout, "YOU WHAT?"

"How'd you get his boxers!" Joey screams frantically, as Kaiba says, "That is not funny."

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding." Funny; they don't seem convinced. "Mokuba loaned me some! He thought my plan was great."

Joey glares. "Some Valentine's this turned out to be." He walks around to his car to get in.

Seto rolls his eyes. "Oh, quit whining, Mutt - I'll get someone to send you the chocolate."

Joey's face lights up.

Kaiba remains nonchalant. "Only for realism when I'm beating the crap out of you, of course."

Aww. It's almost like they're being... NICE. Maybe I should be worried they might plot revenge.

Joey's expression goes back to a scowl and he slams his car door. Kaiba turns away and pulls out his cellphone to call for his car.

When we're sitting inside the back of his limousine, opposite the grinning painted visage of my brother, Kaiba sneaks his arm around my waist and pulls me close.

Even though - yes - I STILL smell like garbage.

"I thought you didn't condone me beating up your brother."

"He tried to steal your chocolate." I pointed out, innocently.

"YOU tried to steal my chocolate." He leans back comfortably and I fall back into the warm curve of his shoulder.

I almost expect a follow up line, something cheesy about how I stole his heart. It IS Valentine's Day, afterall. But my boyfriend is Seto Kaiba. So instead, he just sighs and says with a tone of exasperation, "You taste better, anyway."

It would be romantic, except I know he's about to say -

"Or you will when you've showered."

I smile at him. "I love you, too, Seto."

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_This is actually a peace offering to anyone reading _Before You're Burned_, because that's not gonna get updated for at least a month - I'm going to Egypt in two days and won't be home until May 2nd, after also staying in Sydney for a week. Please excuse any typos etc, because for hey, I've been very crazy trying to get organised for my holiday. Eeee! ...Anyway, hope this entertained, even if Serenity is a little, er... Something..._

_Also, anyone who is interested, jrock/anime/fanfic related article that will probably offend you is up on my website: www. geocities. com/ jojo(underscore)shady2/ jap. html_

_See on you the other side._


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